I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
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Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Sometimes? I’m slipping
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day