My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
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I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.