*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
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[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
huge if true: the moon
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen