I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
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Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
My youngest found an âIâm a big sisterâ t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now itâll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes Iâm not pregnant
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-canât breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I donât love darts but my family and friends will be like âwow we never really knew himâ.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
đł
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
âBetter stop now before I do something to embarrass myselfâ
~me, never
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
the battle rages on
Saying âIâm practicing social distancingâ
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming âkeep your hands off me good sir!â
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.