This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
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Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.