*weighs self after shaving
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Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
quarantine day 3
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.