*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
You Might Also Like
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
what’s really going on
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.