Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
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Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*