happy friday
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Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
#Caturday
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u