Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
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The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.