I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
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Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom馃嵎: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he鈥檚 not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he鈥檚 not watching me when I鈥檓 sleeping.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 馃様
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Me: I鈥檓 a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.