7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
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rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Beauty and the Beast
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy