Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
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I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget