Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
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Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
I’m too immature for adultery.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*