Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
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I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE: