My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
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“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?