ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
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[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Me too
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
time for some seasonal decor
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”