dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
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Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Cats are still liquid.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.