this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
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The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Seems a bit forward
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe