Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
You Might Also Like
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Me buying fruit and veg
Don’t talk down to me
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest