Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
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Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?