[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
You Might Also Like
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
shit just got real
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-