“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
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NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!