wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
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Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.