[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
You Might Also Like
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.