garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
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A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting