Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
You Might Also Like
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.