I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
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DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign