If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
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There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder