Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
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[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Herpes is trending, good job people
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Somebody call the cops.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund