Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
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How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this