Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
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i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like