I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
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My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?