ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
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We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
welp
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.