sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
You Might Also Like
And bowling should be called pinball
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Phonetics
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Stick it to the man
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.