me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
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ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Close call…
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
estão todos miauvindo?
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately