I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
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Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*