I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
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had to share :’)
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
live long and prosper!
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?