*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
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interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks