“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
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I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom