Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
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I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
*puts words between two asterisks*
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.