Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
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When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years