[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
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Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no