[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
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A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Everyone’s family
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap