*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
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2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ââââââᾧ âââ â ᾌââᾌ
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because theyâre either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
My vibe can loosely be described as âneeds 2-day shipping for a book I probably wonât read for 7 monthsâ.
đ đ¤Łđ
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
The orthodontist says I’m doing a âsuper jobâ wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
One of my boys just hit me with a âwhoâs all thereâ text so now Iâm in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
starbucks: weâve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah weâve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
I’m being attacked đ
Miss Piggyâs karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didnât you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still canât keep me away from light bulbs