Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
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Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
And they lived apathetically ever after.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up