Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
You Might Also Like
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
those birds must be on payroll
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer