I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
You Might Also Like
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket