I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
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eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes