Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
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Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
uh oh
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it